I met the friendliest cop last night
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
