my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
