I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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