Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
