I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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