I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
