would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
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