i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We are two peas in an std pod
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
