When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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