your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
