I cannot find my penis.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
it was like eating out sand paper
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
