You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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