Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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