True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
