My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
