He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you