best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..