dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
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You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
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Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home