I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
