I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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