I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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