Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
