She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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