Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
