I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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