Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I love you.
Bad choice
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
