alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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