Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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