apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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