If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
