I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
