Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
