she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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