This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
