You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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