cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
