I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
