the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
