I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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