whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"