Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass