woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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