I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
