I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
