i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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