you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
