I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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