i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize