I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
