i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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