8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
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