Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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