Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Randomize
