i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
