guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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