I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i drank out of a bidet.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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