textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
