oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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