the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
