Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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