i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
