I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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