Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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