There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
well you can't waste a boner
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
