The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
