So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
