dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
